No, Not in the church!

 

Marriage and Divorce

The way I am addressing this topic is one of controversy in the church.  Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of men's hearts.  You ever lived with a hard-hearted man, I am here to tell you that it "t'an't nothin" nice.  "In the beginning, it wasn't so", but neither was polygamy, meat-eating, and a whole lot of other things.  The Lord said he hated divorce, and most of us do too, but he didn't say it didn't need to happen nor did he say it won’t going to happen.  Well, guess what?   "Shit happens!", It's life in this crazy, mad, evil world.  Sometimes bad things, things that are taboo, unspeakable things;  they do happen and very often we become better when it happens.  Yes, if each of us performed our duties in the manner in which the scripture dictates there would be no need for living with the pain of abuse nor would there be a need for divorce. It is often about intimacy, being admired, smiled at, made to feel safe, the feeling that someone really got you, kind words and words of encouragement instead of reviling, being touched, not necessarily sex, but true benevolence and respect.  This is what most of us crave.

Mind you, I am no advocate for divorce, It is not supposed to be and I do see why.  But, again, ask the wife and children of a man who does not have a heart of flesh what they think about divorce.  Ask them why they are in the midst of one of his blow-ups or beat-downs.  I guarantee you that you will get their most honest answer and their most sincere plea for compassion. But again, I am no advocate for divorce because Jesus said it was not supposed to be so, and he said "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder".  I am not trying to give anybody a bible lesson so please look those scriptures up or ask somebody.

Genesis 2:24 is the first marriage of our ancestors Adam and Eve, and it was said they would be one flesh.  Mark 10:9, and Matthew 19:6 repeat, “Let no man put asunder.” By the way, asunder means to pull apart, in case you didn't know.  You see I have pulled part every scripture that mentions or even hints to man, his, wife, and their relationship, and the power that comes from doing it right. I still want that!  Mean reviling men and women who emotionally and physically abuse one another are putting their marriage asunder, pulling it apart making it difficult and often impossible for the two to be one flesh.  I have lived long enough to witness women being as abusive as men in some cases.  

I think the Lord meant that nothing was supposed to come between a man and his wife, nothing, not even his lack of kindness, or his abuse, or his neglect, nor her folly either for that matter.  I think he meant that neither he nor she was to bring anything in the relationship that would pull that powerful bond apart.  Am I wrong? Did I misread that?  Let me tell you this.  Women with children don't usually leave good men though men have been known to leave good women.  But, there are exceptions to every rule.    I would like to raise a few questions though.  Feel free to leave your responses.

• What happens to girls who live in abusive households?  What happens to their friendships?  How will they choose a mate?  What kind of mate will they choose?  How will they allow their mate to treat them?  How will they treat their mate? How will they learn to love and be loved?
• What happens when women neglect their children because they are focused on getting through the day because of emotional or physical abuse? What happens to women who live with emotionally abusive men?  What are the long-term effects?
• What happens to men who live with a woman who never has anything nice to say and offers no help?  What happens to men who continue to abuse their spouses?  What are the physiological, emotional, and mental effects?   What about salvation?  Will their salvation be affected?

Now, I am ranting, this blog is NOT about promoting divorce.  I don't advocate it. It is NOT about male-bashing.  No man, neither male nor female, are perfect.  We all have things to work on and improve.  Self-reflection and judging ourselves against the Word of God is an important feat for every person who claims they are servants of God.   The focus, however, is empowerment, encouragement, and motivation.   Just as divorce affects everyone, so does abuse.  Neither is anything nice.  Although, David was a man after God's own heart, and I'd like to train myself to be a woman with that mindset.  Therefore, I keep David's words in Psalm 119:10-11 in mind.  "With my whole heart have I sought thee: O let me not wander from thy commandments.  Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee."  As I live, it is still a struggle to forgive completely.  When I think I have, I am triggered by something someone says for does and I have to struggle with old memories "re" hurting or making me angry all over again.  I think it is because a divorced woman in the church, does not get the same love and compassion that a widow in the church gets, even after the "ex" husband is taking his long nap. In the eyes of men, male and female, she never gets the respect due to her, even as a result of her own works.  This makes my flesh angry, hurt, and weak, but my desire to keep my focus on God is strong and it wins over my weakness. Thank God for God! 

My chance to experience the kind of love I've wanted since I was a little girl playing house is very slim. I wanted to be symbiotic like a clownfish and a sea anemone. I wanted to be bound to my husband, him to be bound to me, and for us to be bound to one another. I wanted to be the wife who felt as if she could not survive without her husband. I wanted him to nurture me; I wanted him to protect me. I wanted him to be my home. If I were to damage such a relationship, it would be a meaningless nefarious action, it would be like killing myself; something I would never do. I wanted to never compromise the life we shared. Instead, I felt lonely, alone, and sad the majority of the time. I felt as if I walked on eggshells every day, even during the "happy days" because I never knew what would stick a pin in the "happy" causing it to go sour.  No relationship is all one person's doings. My marriage was not tumultuous only due to my husband's inability to love. I played a part too. I was not taught how to care for a husband. I was not taught how to respect a husband and make him feel comforted. I did not know how to embrace him in such a way he would safely trust me and so he would have no need of spoil. I wanted my price to be far above rubies, and I feel like a failure sometimes. However, if my daughters could find such a life, it would fill my heart with joy.